Thérèse 'on the couch' - Questions and Answers

Dear Therese, What would you say the secret of a successful relationship is?
Sally, United Kingdom

Keeping the channels of communication open whatever the circumstances is key, the moment you stop doing so, you're likely to start loosing interest in the relationship and grow apart.  When you really know someone well, sharing your intimate thoughts, ideas, secrets or whatever is a joy.  This can only be sustained however, as long as you do not criticise, put your partner down or judge him(her) for who he is.  Wouldn't it make a 'difference' to your relationship if you could find something positive to say to him each day, whether it's something he did, or said or even the way he looks, everyone likes a little bit of nurturing!  When you're angry with your partner, say what you need to say in an assertive manner and get it over and done with so that you can continue to enjoy the rest of the day.  Not expressing your emotions will only make you resentful and sulking does not earn you many favours.  Have respect for each other and a positive thing to remember is that you are both in the relationship to give to one another, you're not there to take.

Dear Therese, I think am depressed and cannot see any point to my life, where do I begin? 
David, United Kingdom

So you think you're depressed, but you don't seem 100% sure you are.  I think a good place to start is to ask yourself or become observant of the thoughts you have throughout the course of the day.  Do you allow yourself to indulge in negative thoughts that inevitably bring out negative emotions that leave you feeling unresourceful and difficult to cope with the daily 'chores' in your life?  thoughts that deplete your energy and leave you feeling overwhelmed about life in general.  If you feel really strongly about wanting change, you need to start looking at life differently, making different choices, changing negative thoughts into ones where you see yourself being successful, having the things you've always wanted and looking at what's possible rather than what's impossible.  I appreciate that sometimes the journey towards change seems like an upward struggle and if you are able to seek  professional help, do so, you deserve it, alternatively there are a lot of self-help books around on modern psychology and you may want to browse through a few of them, either in a library or a bookshop.  I can certainly recommend a few to you if you wish, or join self-help groups whereby you have an opportunity to openly share your feelings in a safe environment.  Remember, you can't feel good about life, if your thoughts and your interpretation of the world is forever black and bleak, with determination for change, everything is possible.

Dear Therese, I work in a very stressful environment and I am sure that there is a sabotage game being played against me by one of me work colleagues. I am not too sure what to do apart from getting angry or defensive? 
Malcolm, United Kingdom

If this is a fact, then it needs to be reported to your HR department, if this can't be proved, getting angry or defensive only adds to the problem, it doesn't resolve it.  Dealing with facts in this instance is much easier than dealing with people's interpretation of things.  If you don't feel comfortable about confronting your colleague in an assertive manner, my advice is to seek help from your HR department.  Remember, that within your circle of influence, i.e. the things you are responsible for, it's not what people do to you that hurts, it's your chosen response to what they do to you that does.

Dear Therese, I am 17 years old and am a bit confused about my sexuality, I have a lot of pressure from my family and friends and I feel really alone at the moment? 
Tom, USA

At 17 one can feel quite vulnerable at times, on one hand we feel grown up and want to experiment with our sexuality and on the other hand, we have this chatter box in our head constantly reminding us about family values and beliefs which sometimes make us feel guilty.  Beliefs are usually things we get handed down from parents, teachers, society etc and can have a significant influence on us, however, as we get older and we start questioning these beliefs, we may find that they no longer serve us, yet we continue to hang on to them because the 'people' we've looked up to and always respected have passed these on to us.  As we become young adults and indeed sometimes even much later in life, our belief system is questioned because we no longer feel the same attachment to these beliefs as we have done in the past, so guilt sets in.  If some of these beliefs no longer serve you, you need to ask yourself why are you still hanging on to them.  By ditching these beliefs and giving yourself permission to experiment with your sexuality and be true to yourself, you will stop being confused and you will be in a position of knowing what you want without being promiscuous.

Dear Therese, My search for achieving a natural balance has been very long time. I hope you can help. I apologise for the long paragraph as English is my second language. I feel I have two people inside me, one is my rational self and one is subconscious self/inner child. I am very positive thinking and loving person on the outside/rational self. However, I have always felt hurt and sad on the inside since I remember myself (about age 6). I am now 48 years old with lots of positive thinking and courage / positive actions + lots of personal development in my life without success of transforming my inner hurt/depression which is always there and I constantly supress it. I never come accross a depression like mine, as I am proud of myself, I do not blame myself but at the same time I feel bad/rotten inside. I almost never feel joy of life inside, apart from very short periods, I live my life with will power and positive thinking and positive actions with hope / faith that it will turn round one day. I think because of vibrating low inside, my life has been very challanging, although I do the right things, I do not get desired results, I get sabotage. It is like chicken and egg story. My life is very challenging and it doesn't work: Is it because I have always had contradiction between my conscious and subconscious mind and felt the pain/depression which stopped me getting what I want - contribution / connection / love. Or Is it because my life has been challenging since childhood and obviously my human side/inner self is sick and tired of living with challenges and wants to give up and feel depressed and want to resign because it is just too much for a human being? Recently, I have managed to make even more happy changes in my life however, my inner self doesn't feel good, doesn't feel joy quite the reverse it feels very painful. Looking forward to your reply. Anonymous, United Kingdom

It seems as though you have spent a number of years 'pretending' life is good to the outside world, but you haven't managed to fool yourself in doing so, even with all your positive thinking.  You can continue to practice, 'positive thinking' for the rest of your life, however, unless you believe and know 'you deserve' to have great things happening to you, you will not make the changes you desire and deserve.

It's not important for me to know what hurt you experienced in your childhood because the principles for eliminating any hurt are the same for all, it's just that some people take a little longer to learn from these experiences before they can move on. 

Any experience we go through throughout our life happens once and then some of us choose to bring up the thoughts about 'that' experience leading us to unresourceful emotions.  So I have a question for you - if you went  to the movies to see a film that disturbed you, would you keep going back to see it time after time, after time?  If you wouldn't, then why do you
keep running this movie in your head about your unhappy childhood? 

My advice is for you make a list of the goals you want in life and focus on them, be as specific as you can possibly be, make them measurable - giving a specific timeframe when you want to achieve them, be accountable to someone so that they can hold you to your goals in a positive and supportive way, and uncover the steps you need to take to get you to your goals on a weekly basis - and yes, action is necessary to make the changes you need to make to get you the qualify of life that you want.  The more you focus on the things you 'don't want', the more you're stuck with them.  You say that you're sick and tired of living with challenges, maybe you can call them 'learning experiences' and ask yourself 'what do I need to learn from this' anytime what appears like a challenge comes up and see where that takes you.  One last thing, if you look at life as one big struggle, the universe will reward you with that.  So how would you like the universe to reward you going forward?..............

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